Off the Beaten Path: Los Cuates

Acting on a tip from someone over at the Trib's food forum, I stopped in to Los Cuates today to try their tamales. Then I saw the "6 Tacos, 8 Dollars" option and forgot why I'd even come. Listed were azada, adovada, carnitas, cueritos, pollo, barbacoa and a couple of other choices. I'd never heard of cueritos before, but my waitress said they're like chicharrones (yes, some Spanish ability and prior exposure to authentic Mexican food would help at Los Cuates). Me? I just knew chicharrones had something to do with pork skins. Anyway, I ordered one of each of the options listed above and most were outstanding. Only the dried out pollo was truly lackluster. The side of refried beans were above average (not saying much, but still); rice, the pointless standard around here.

The tortillas seemed homemade, so I asked the waitress about it. In broken English and Spanish I determined (I think) that they are made in town but not actually at the restaurant.

The space seems designed to become a nightclub after dinner service, an awkward arrangement I've encountered in Mexican places as far flung as Birmingham, Alabama and northern Virginia before. It's also a meat market of sorts. Steaks, pork chops, etc. There was some thin-sliced pork (looked like prosciutto, actually) and lots of pig odds and ends marinating in vinegar. A guy was working the slicer while I ate, breaking down steaks into retailable portions. Nothing's labeled or priced, so they're not banking on the English-mostly-gringo crowd keeping them afloat. Oh well, something - along with the tamales I forgot about - to explore on a future visit (or maybe with my friend from Mexico).

Los Cuates

2908 Paris Road (beside Gerbes)

(573) 814-1545

Second location:

2517 Bernadette Dr.

(573-445-4364

Mugs Up (or, "Wherein I commit heresy")

Mugs Up is older than the Heidelberg, Harpos and virtually every other Columbia dining spot (can anyone name one that's older?). They've been slinging their signature zips and chili dogs just off of Highway 40 (now Business Loop 70) since 1955. They are as true a Columbia institution as you can get. And here's where I get off track: the sloppy joe "burgers" at Mugs Up? They're really not my bag. And maybe I shouldn't say this, but the root beer tastes a little watery. To me. I know, the ghost of Raymond Kewley is going to visit me in my dreams shortly and open up a can, bigtime. It's just something I'm going to have to deal with.

No, the real reason I go to Mugs Up is for those chili cheese dogs. Sonic, with their absurd, soggy, warmed-over chili monstrosity, is a mess compared to Mugs Up's neat, snappy little dogs. They're fantastic, and I can't eat fewer than two. For those not in the know Mugs Up is behind the Family Table restaurant and across from Parkade Plaza on Business Loop 70. But time's running out to catch them this year; they'll close down for the winter in another month or two.

Mugs Up
603 Orange St.
Columbia, MO
(573) 443-7238

Lonnie Ray's BBQ

Lonnie Ray's is a lot like Sutton's in Columbia, just with an all-white clientele in place of the all-black crowd. A sociology grad student could delve into the deeper meaning of this, examining contemporary race relations through the prism of two fabulous bbq joints. But I am not that person. I'm just here for the 'cue.

Inside Lonnie Ray's, chrome-sided tables and blue chairs look freshly plucked from a 50s diner. Old photos on the wall tell a history of Harrisburg (pop. 184). And, just like at Sutton's, a tv in the corner carries Paul Pepper's creepy, geriatric show. Every adult in the place had an "I voted" sticker on their chest and the crowd is (elitist alert) surprisingly cosmopolitan; one brave guy is in shirt and tie and there's only one trucker hat is in sight. A man in the kitchen seems to know everyone in the place and yells goodbyes to departing customers.

I sat down and ordered the combo plate, which comes with ribs, pulled pork and brisket as well as three sides (coleslaw, "charro's" and green beans in my case...no tamales today). All are excellent, with the brisket being my personal favorite. After eating, the owner tells me his Texas-style rub pleased a Lone Star native just last week. I believe it. It's a perfect balance of fat and dry with a good bark and remarkable smoke ring. Maybe the best brisket I've ever had. Flavorful rib meat falls off the bones and the pulled pork is tender and lightly smoky. It's all fantastic. Charro's - Lonnie Ray's spicy side of beans - is fiery hot and great. Coleslaw and green beans are fine. Their signature sauce is served on the side and is different than any other I've had. It's thick and rich and has something in it I couldn't quite place. I guessed chocolate and the server laughed and shook his head. They aren't talking.

The owner, Mike, is talking, however. A natural salesman with a buzz cut and a thick build (really, would you trust the barbeque of a skinny guy?), Mike tells me after I eat (and in less than three minutes):

• He buys his meats at Sam's
• Gas prices are a pain
• They sponsor a car show across the street every third Saturday from 11-3
• By-the-pound prices for take-out meat (with tax)
• They've been open a little over five years
• He's going to have a booth at the Roots 'n Blues 'n BBQ festival (but isn't competing)
• He burned a lot of brisket before finally "getting it right"
• They cater
• There's a $30 delivery charge for catering (see "gas prices," "pain")
  
• He hates it when he goes through all the work of making tamales and then no one orders them
• He keeps a list of customer phone numbers on hand and calls them when he has tamales (scribbling my number on an order pad)

It was a dizzying, exhilarating conversation and the food - half of which now sits in the fridge - was outstanding. He is a passionate bbq-warrior and must be made to stay in business. On the whole, I rate Lonnie Ray's just ahead of Sutton's, primarily on speed and the (slightly) superior meats. Charro's don't hurt either. If they had collards/turnip greens in Harrisburg I'd really be in trouble.

So get thee to Harrisburg soon. Just don't try it on Sunday or Monday.

Lonnie Ray's Cafe
81 E. Sexton Street
Harrisburg, MO 65256
(573) 874-0020

Seriously, call before you haul

As often happens these days, I got a serious jonesin' for bbq yesterday and decided to make the lunchtime trek up to Harrisburg for some Lonnie Ray's; I've heard much praise for the place. About the same time I hit 63 a thought occurred to me: "It's Monday. Wouldn't it be funny if I drove all the way up there and they were closed?"

They were.

Lonnie Ray's BBQ. Closed Sundays and Mondays for your info. The nice ladies at the C&S Grocery just down the street fixed me up a good country ham sandwich (with white bread, cheddar, mayo and mustard) to ease my disappointment. The corner has been home to a grocery store (formerly known as Price's) for more than 100 years. My sandwich cost less than two dollars. On the bench out front three boys, sitting shirtless, were eating ice cream and enjoying the waning days of summer. It felt palpably familiar. Throw in a grape Rocky Top soda and it might have been 1983 at my grandparents' farm in Camdenton. And the drive was beautiful, too.

And yes, I'm going back today.

Ground Rules

Blogs and message boards practically drag our most snide and passive-aggressive tendencies out of us. It doesn't have to be that way. We can engage in semi-anonymous banter without being jackasses. At least I think so. Passion and opinion is fine, but let's keep the personal attacks, backstabbing and vitriol where it belongs. The workplace.

Also, for the sake of brevity the following shortcuts and categories will be employed, liberally and throughout (along with lots of semicolons).

Columbia's Best: The tried and true, best places to eat in Columbia.

Off the Beaten Path: When I'm in the mood for something completely different. Like goat, for instance. Or McDonald's.

Cheap Eats: Places to grab good food on the cheap.

Off the Beaten Path #1: Follow-up

Eating at the Jamaican Jerk Hut at Mojo's is an exercise in patience. First, they're only open Wednesday to Saturday. Second, it's a scattershot scene over there. One minute my "Jamaican Beef Patti" is on it's way out. Then it's still cooking. Then, "Jim" didn't know there was something in the oven and turned it off. So, after three backs and forth, no beef patti for me.

Nevermind, the rest of the meal was more than ample. The jerk wings are indeed a large as advertised. Tender and smothered in sauce, they're satisfying but ultimately forgettable. Once you get past the sauce, the wings themselves have very little flavor.

And then onto the goat. Heaps of slow-stewed goatmeat and potatoes arrive on a bed of well-seasoned rice and you wonder, "Maybe I should have tried an appetizer portion." Goat is an acquired taste. And though I could appreciate the dish being well-executed, it's not one I've acquired myself. Alternately fatty and tender, strong and subtle, the goat is an assault on the senses. Throw in innumerable bone chips that kept popping up and you end up like me, with two-thirds of your meal staring back accusingly on your plate.

So, good to try, don't need to do it again. I'll definitely be back to try their hand at the other offerings, which include pork and chicken sandwiches, shrimp and other curries. It just won't be for the goat.

Off the Beaten Path Item #1

The wife and I were at Mojo's Friday night (where we saw the excellent King Thief) and I noticed something about the jerk trailer parked outside. "Curry Goat" it said was the Wednesday special. Seriously, anyone who's got the onions to put curried goat on the menu will get a visit from me. Not because I've had it before, but because I haven't.